fordprefect42's Blog

In a heart so big and empty 
     Full of holes so big and wide
Where the dreams have all but faded 
     And the hopes have all but died
The tears you try to hold in
     Are impossible to hide
And the screams you think are silent 
     Are resounding far and wide

Last night I lay down to go to sleep at about 10pm. I lay in bed until 1pm this after noon...and what did I get for my 13 hours of effort at sleep? TWO HOURS!!! Argh! I tried all natual sleeping pills...3x the recommended anmount in total...I tried a glass of red wine, I tried counting sheep, I tried listening to music, I tried watching documentaries, I tried audio hypnosis...both guided and subliminal...Nothing worked!!! And i have to be in to work for another 8 hour shift in an hours time. Yay.

I've been avoiding taking prescription sleeping pills as I always wake up groggy and not very well rested, but I think I may take one after work tonight...groggy and not very well rested is a far cry better than not rested at all.

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio
conversation of a U.S. naval ship with the Canadian
authorities off the coast of Newfoundland October
1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of
Naval Operations10-10-95.

Canadians:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South
to avoid a collision.

Americans:
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
North.

Canadians:
Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

Canadians:
No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans:
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE
SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC
FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE
CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT
YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY
AGAIN,THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER
MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF
THIS SHIP.

Canadians:
We are a lighthouse, your call.

In hindsight the problem with creating your own subliminal message recording to help overcome procrastination seems a bit obvious...

I hate that I've stopped writing poetry
It's like a piece of my soul has been gone from me
Though the words are all there
I confess in dispair
When I write them, they won't come out orderly

So I've made myself write this small piece today
In the hopes that the words will not go astray
But with haphazard rhymes
And half metered time
It's not so much smithing as wordplay

Now I'm just jotting down what comes into mind
With the hopes that my muse will come help me shine
It doesn't look like she will
As this is going downhill
So for now I'll just end this sad wordy grind

Day two of forcing myself to write. I forgot to start this earlier when I might have had time to get something out, but oh well. I can feel a story or two searching for the words to come out, but still haven't been able to crystallize them. *shrug* It'll come when it comes. It's a good bet that the words will come again once I get my personal life restructured. It's been in a state of chaos since I was told I had to move back in May...my entire routine is out of sync right now...sleeping for random amounts of time at random times of the day...not eating like I should be or even like I had been. Oh well...at least I know where to begin as far as the fix goes ;-) lol

It feels like forever since I've been able to come up with a story or poem to post here. Either the words don't seem right or nothing comes to mind. I'm tired of not writing anything though, so I've decided to write about nothing. Well, as near to nothing as you can get and still be writing anyway.

DT and I had a great time while she was here. It started off even more awkward and disjointed than expected. I was waiting outside of international arrivals when I got a text from her reminding me that she had changed planes in Denver which made her a domestic arrival. So after I pulled up to the correct place we drove up to San Francisco to check into the hotel. As you would expect from two young lovers meeting for the first time, we got right into bed...and slept for 5 hours...her from jet lag and me from a general lack of sleep ;-) lol When we woke up we had dinner at this great lil hole in the wall Thai place by the hotel, and then went back to bed.
The next day we got up late and went down to Pier 39 for a while before heading out for a tour of Alcatraz. Then it was back to the hotel for more cuddles and a nap. For kicks we went and saw Fright Night later that night as well.
For our last day in SF we went for a walk down Haight St and walked around Golden Gate Park for a while. For lunch we went the the japanese tea garden there...lots of great pics and some good sushi too. That night we went to Teatro Zinzanni. I'm not sure how to describe that...google it ;-) lol Many laughs and drinks later we went to bed.
The following day we checked out of the hotel and headed up the the Marin Headlands to see the marine mammal sanctuary where they heal injured and sick seals. After that we drove down to my place in Santa Cruz and crashed for the night.
For day five we got up, went to the Mystery Spot where gravity is supposed to be all topsy turvy. Then we went and rode a steam train through the redwood forest, followed by a walk through the redwoods at a different park. After that we hit the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk and took a ride on the Giant Dipper roller coaster. That brought us to about dinner time, so we went to an excellent chinese place.
The next day we drove down to Monterey, checked into the hotel and went to the best room we stayed in during her trip. Such a great hotel!!! Once we were able to tear ourselves away from the luxury of the room, we went to the Monterey Bay Aquarium just in time to catch a good jazz band start playing in the lobby.
When we finally got motivated the next day, we went on what is called The 17 Mile Drive around Monterey. The sights were beautiful and the company excellent. Just a nice lazy day driving around. Once we had completed the drive we decided to go a little further south and get pictures for the apparently famous Bixby Bridge down by Big Sur. The funny thing is that we first came to a bridge that we both thought was the right bridge but there was no parking. As we drove past it looking for a place to pull over I noticed a sign saying the was the Rocky Creek Bridge, so we drove on. When we got the the right bridge, neither of us thought it was the right one. When the sign confirmed it, we both swore the first one looked more like the pictures we'd both seen. LOL That night we ate at the most wonderful place on the bay. Dinner was not cheap there, but you could taste where every last cent had gone...simply exquisite :-)
For our last full day we drove a few hours south along Highway 1 down the coast and stayed the night in Morro Bay with a pizza and a bottle of wine.
The drive to the airport was a fairly quiet one...both of us sad it had to end.

Since she's gone home my bed seems so vast and empty. It's been hard getting to sleep without her to cuddle. Even my cats seem to miss her...slightly odd as they only got to see her for a few hours total, but they were good hours apparently ;-)

Well, the sun's coming up and my shift at work is nearing it's end so I'll end this for now. Feels good to write again :-)

Since semantics is basically the art of splitting hairs, does that mean all barbers and stylists are anti-semantic?

It makes me nervous when I think of getting close to you
No matter why, I sometimes feel that I’m a fool
I keep my distance at those times when I should give it all
And say too much when I should let the silence fall
I want to hold you, Instead I'm pushing you away
I want to know you, but I'm afraid of come what may
My heart is still in pieces, wronged in yesterdays
So have a gentle touch and mean every word you say
I long to take your hand and walk along our bliss
I long to make a life, but it all comes down to this
To feel you, To hold you - I want to, I fear to
To know you, To love you - I want you, I fear you
It makes me nervous when I think of getting close to you
Been bent and broken, and now I fear to play the fool


03042011

Just had the WEIRDEST dream!!!

In the dream I woke up in my bedroom and it had the EP home screen projected on it. The pillow on the empty side of the bed was the mailbox icon and was showing that I had an email. I knew that the email was from the woman I would end up marrying, but no idea who she is yet...just that she's an EP member. As I'm getting out of bed to turn on the laptop and find out who it's from, a second email comes in. I know the second email is from Sunshine asking if she can be my best man. I turn on the laptop, but everything fades forward to the wedding before I get a chance to open that first email.

Standing at the alter looking out over the seats I see a sea of avitars from my circle in suits and pastel dresses all arranged in a perfect grid. Then my bride is standing beside me, but she's a cloud of swirling blue, purple and black mist in a wedding gown. I turn to the pastor (a great white shark  dresses as a pastor) and he announces "I now pronounce these two avitars linked!"

Then I'm suddenly sitting in a movie theator watching Blazing Saddles next to Sunshine with no one else there. Sunshine is in jeans and a t-shirt and her head is her avitar. She turns to me between bites of popcorn and says "You still have two more wishes...any ideas?" Being a smart ass, I reply "Yes. First I wish I could comprehend everything. Second, I wish I knew everything."

Then I'm standing in an alley in black and white from the movie Young Frankenstein facing  a mob of scientists and theologians. Knowing everything as I now do, I know that they are there because they had finally realized there was one thing that they could both agree on and that was that niether group could stand for someone actually having all the answers. And also knowing everything as I now do, I know what is coming next and begin running away just as they produce the torches and pitchforks.

End dream

Heaven or Hell?

The following is supposedly an actual question given
on a university
chemistry exam. The answer by one student was so
profound that the
professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet,
which is, of
course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as
well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or
endothermic (
absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using Boyle's Law:
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is
compressed) or some
variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is
changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into
Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving hell. I think that we can
safely assume that
once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at
the many different
Religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a
member of their
religion, then you will be bound go to Hell. Since
there are many more
than one of these religions, and since most people do
not belong to
more than one religion, then we can safely project
that almost all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect
the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in
Hell, because
Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature
and pressure in Hell to
stay the same, the volume of Hell can only expand
proportionately as more
souls are continually added.

This provides two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate
at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell
will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop
until Hell freezes
over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa
during my Freshman
year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I
sleep with you"!
And if we take into account the fact that I slept with
Teresa last
night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure
that Hell is
exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has
already frozen
over, it follows that it is no longer accepting any
more souls and is
therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven and thereby
proving the
existence of a "Divine Being" which also explains why,
last night,
Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

EP Link

If Heaven and Hell are in fact polar opposites as I was lead to believe in Sunday School, wouldn't that make Heaven a sub-zero ski resort?

If insects have spirits, is every windshield haunted?

Any paleontologist can tell you that feces can and does fossilize. Most christians can agree that while Christ was on earth he was in human form and needed to do the normal human things such as eat and therefore defecate. Since christains have always sought any and every holy relic of Christ, why has there never been a quest for the Holy Shit?

How is it so well known that Sex Sells if it's still illegal to actually sell it?

Hello my EP friends :)

Sorry I haven't been around much lately. Every now n then I go through a weird thing...it's kinda like the all the strange and unfamiliar parts of my depression and social anxiety gang up on me all at once and I just don't know how to deal with it. Even now I'm struggling not to just delete this post and retreat back to solitude. There's just this overwhelming feeling that anything I say or do will be the wrong thing at the wrong time.

Thank you all for the love n support you've given...knowing I'm missed when I go quiet is comforting and touching. It means more to me than I can find the words for. I miss you all and will be back on as soon as I can.

*hugs*

Heh, still not that good at writing in here regularly. I gotta say, I still find the idea of blogging a little odd; we did our best back in high school to hide our journals away from our parents, siblings and friends and now the goal seems to be to get as many people as possible to read them. New day, new world I suppose.

By the way, for those of you reading this, I know a blog is meant for the world to see but I still write it as if it were a personal journal...sorry if you feel ignored ;)

Speaking of, I had the weirdest nightmare last night. I dreamt that all of my co-workers, managers, friends and family somehow all found out about my account here and started looking over every detail of it. Not that there's anything to hide really, but it was terrifying having the people I see in RL seeing it...like it's perfectly ok to be open and naked souled to perfect strangers online, but agonizing to be revealed to those I know and "trust".

I renamed the boys last week. Bear is now known as Loki and Twinkle Toes is called Odin. I chose the names not only because it fits them perfectly (more or less), but also because according to dad's genealogy research the Norse kings that spawned the mythologies of those two gods are also our ancestors...or so he says, He's not one to tell tales, but I can't find any info online to verify it. None the less, it seems fitting to keep the names in the family - so to speak ;) Odin has been coming out of his shell more and more and has become a very lovey cat. Loki, as always, is affectionate, playful and complete attention whore. The both of them have learned my work schedule and are waiting for me at the glass in the door every night when I get off work. They are without a doubt the best thing to come into my life in a very long time.

I can feel the creative juices beginning to flow again. OMGs does it feel good!!! The last couple months or so have been so horrible. I've never gone so long without creating something. It's a little like what an addict must feel like without a fix! Happy days though...two poems and a song in the last week. I posted one here...more to the point, I wrote it here...in the I Am Full Of Contradictions group. Funny thing is, when I clicked in I had only intended to write the very first line. The rest just flowed like water. I have missed that happening!!! The song I posted also, but will post here too for my own pleasure.

This tune was heavily influenced by Pink Floyd, but inspired by my boys while they were playing high as a kite on catnip. I think the catalyst was losing a friend, M. I get why we stopped talking for a ittle bit, but to have every connection severed permanently is still a little baffling. I miss her and wish I could share this with her but I suppose the irony is that if we were still talking I might not have written this. C'est la vie I guess.

 

 

Misty eyes , like honeydew

Whispered sweetly in my ear that I love you

A silken touch caresses me

And with a single touch you set my spirit free

You said you wanted me forever, forever by your side

Never have to fear unspoken lies

You told me love was the answer, I always thought I knew the question

How was I supposed to see your misty eyes

 

Misty eyes, and tear drops fall

And I don’t know what I have done to be the cause

A silent prayer, like a rose

And I don’t know how long I’ll get to hold you close

All I wanted was forever, forever by your side

How was I to hear unspoken cries

You told me love was the answer, I guess I never knew the question

How was I supposed to read your misty eyes

 

Misty eyes, a smile dawns

And you don’t know how much it means that you’re not gone

An angel’s voice, an answered prayer

A loving kiss is shared within the morning air

I guess I’ll always have forever, forever by your side

A joyful tear released beside a sigh

You told me love was the answer, and now I finally know the question

The love you hide away behind your misty eyes